Follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Twitch!

If you’re like me, one of the first things you think of when you hear the words “police academy” is the iconic music from the iconic film franchise. From there, you think of Larvel Jones and his voice acting. Tackleberry and his over the top, gung-ho copness. Captain Harris and his loveable sidekick Proctor. And of course, Callahan and her kickassery hidden by sex appeal. POLICE ACADEMY even helped Tia Carrera’s character in WAYNE’S WORLD learn English. The world owes a great debt to the men and women who put their lives on the line for our entertainment.

Like a lot of film franchises with multiple entries, POLICE ACADEMY has its share of detractors who hate every entry after the first movie. Those people don’t matter because they have no taste. Unless, of course, they’re talking about the 7th installment, MISSION TO MOSCOW which I do own as part of the collection but as of this word right HERE, I have not watched from beginning to end in its entirety because it looked awful. But for the sake of this HALF-ASSED REVIEW I will sit down and watch part seven from beginning to end on purpose before we get to half-assedly reviewing it.

And you can’t talk about the iconic Police Academy franchise without also talking about the many awesome and awful characters that came from it. So lets review, investigate and declare who is guilty and innocent!

POLICE ACADEMY (1984)
MY RATING: 10/10
CEREAL: The local police academy is undergoing a fundamental change in the type of people it recruits at the request of elected officials, resulting in an awesome array of comedy, hijinks and cop action!

GRAPE JUICE: The original. Rated R! Parts of this as well as others in the franchise were filmed in Toronto which is a plus for me. This movie shows us, in short form, the origin stories of the franchise’s original iconic characters. I, personally, am a Tackleberry guy. Over the top, wants to be a cop, armed like a one man army! Fackler the clueless fuck up who accidentally starts the big riot in the movie’s climax. I LOVE Fackler! As much as I love Mahoney, Hightower, Hooks and Jones, I go for the extra cooky characters and there are plenty spanning the entire run. G.W. Bailey seals the deal as the asshole but hilarious Captain Harris. There is a reason the franchise got 7 movies and the legendary original characters are it.

GUILTY: No guilty parties here. Everything in this movie works!
INNOCENT: As Oprah would say, “Everybody gets an innocent!” Every character works in this movie, otherwise there wouldn’t have been 7 entries.

“My mother’s name was Jughead.”

ZED

POLICE ACADEMY 2: THEIR FIRST ASSIGNMENT (1985)
MY RATING: 7/10
CEREAL: Commandant Lassard’s brother is having trouble maintaining law and order in his precinct so he is sent some recent graduates from the polie academy to help out.

GRAPE JUICE: First of all, no Callahan or Harris in this entry. The writers introduced a few great new characters who would go on to have their own small runs in the franchise, though. Bobcat Goldthwait as gang leader Zed is excellent. We also see OG characters paired up with ‘experinced’ cops as they hit the streets to do cop stuff. Tackleberry gets married to a hardnosed cop woman played by Colleen Camp and we meet her brother and father who regular beat the shit out of each other for fun. Captain Harris is replaced by Mauser as the lead dickhead and we get to meet his ass-kissing sidekick Proctor!

GUILTY: The writers. No Callahan? Boooo!
INNOCENT: This entry gave us Proctor. If you don’t love Proctor, you’re an asshole.

“The bus boys are shooting my nose!”

POLICE ACADEMY 3: BACK IN TRAINING (1986)
MY RATING: 8/10
CEREAL: Due to budget cuts, the city has to close down one of its two police academy’s and so they do their best to impress a judging committee who will have the final say.

GRAPE JUICE: Callahan returns to the cast. Bobcat Goldthwait as a reformed gang leader turned wannabe cop. We meet Fackler’s equally oddball wife who tries to bunk with Tackleberry’s crazy brother-in-law as by this entry all of the OG characters have gone from trainees to trainers. I have probably watched part three more than any other in the franchise. I remember watching it at least once a week for a couple of months when I was a kid. Maybe I’m just a sucker for ‘stupid’ humor and there is plenty of it in BACK IN TRAINING just from Proctor alone. If you can’t tell by now that I love Proctor there’s still more of him to come.

GUILTY: Takashi. He said “bosom” instead of “sword”.
INNOCENT: Takashi. Who the hell can blame him?

“Now! Who’s gonna save me?”

CALLAHAN

POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL (1987)
MY RATING: 6/10
CEREAL: Once again, the police academy is opening its doors to any type who wants to be a cop, all to the shrigrin of the returning Captain Harris!

GRAPE JUICE: There are only three things that stand out for me in this movie. The return of Captain Harris and Callahan’s wet t-shirt. Mauser was great in the two previous entries but he doesn’t compare to Captain Harris. Add Proctor to the mix as Harris’ ass-kissing lapdog and it’s pure gold! Very heavy on skateboard action at the beginning as we see several well known skateboarders, including a young Tony Hawk causing mischief. Pretty much a more family friendly version of the original as far as main plot. That’s probably why I remember very little about this entry other than the duos of Harris & Proctor and Callahan’s boobs. I could easily go back and read a quick synopsis but that would be adding an extra quarter to this half-assed review. This was also Mahoney’s last appearance in the series.

GUILTY: The writers. Just a remake of the original. David Spade. Why are you famous?
INNOCENT: Officer Conklin, aka House and Mrs. Feldman are the only new characters that do anything for me in this one.

“Uncle Eric, those are real crooks!”

NICK LASSARD

POLICE ACADEMY 5: ASSIGNMENT MIAMI BEACH (1988)
MY RATING: 6/10
CEREAL: Eric Lassard has become very old and is forced to retire so he decides to celebrate in Miami Beach and bring some of the OG crew with him only to get caught up in criminal stuff.

GRAPE JUICE: In all honesty this entry deserves at least a 7/10 but you have Callahan on a beach aaaaand….we instead get flat-chested Janet Jones-Gretzky running around in swimwear. Steve “Mahoney” Guttenberg did not return to the franchise after part four so we were given Eric Lassard’s nephew played by buddy-guy (Half-Assed Reviews!) as a replacement. He isn’t bad at all but he’s no Mahoney. I really do like this entry, though. I love the plot of the idiot gangsters kidnapping the completely clueless old man cop, but come on. You had an entire beach and a great set of boobs and you gave us Flatty McFlattington.

GUILTY: The writers. Unfortunately they thought it was 2016 and they put the great set of hooters behind the flat set.
INNOCENT: The tall gang leader guy. Just a loveable, finger-snapping dumbass! Perfect fit for the franchise.

“Uh oh, it’s Fackler!”

POLICE ACADEMY 6: CITY UNDER SEIGE (1989)
MY RATING: 8/10
CEREAL: A crimewave is going on in the city and the Mayor suspects there might be a leak in the police department that is allowing the criminals to be one step ahead of the cops.

GRAPE JUICE: After a two-entry absence we get the return of Fackler! And his return is legendary as the movie reminds us in less than a minute of why we love the man! Eric Lassard’s nephew returns as Mahoney-lite but he works a lot more for me in this one despite still taking a back seat to the OG characters. Tackleberry is more badass and awesome than ever in a scene where he takes his time getting ready to head into the sewers to chase the bad guys. By this entry we were no longer going back to the actual police academy but focusing on their work as trained cops. We get a great group of bad guys being led by a mysterious underboss and a great gym scene with Callahan to make up for the mistake in Miami Beach. In fact, I think I’ll just personally rename part five to “Mistake in Miami Beach”.

GUILTY: The writers. They made it obvious who the mystery man was pretty early.
INNOCENT: The boss’s three henchmen. A mix of comedy gold!

“Nobody on my team gets killed, and that’s an order!”

CAPTAIN HARRIS

POLICE ACADEMY 7: MISSION TO MOSCOW (1994)
MY RATING: 2/10
CEREAL: Russian law enforcement needs help capturing a mob boss with big dreams to they call on the police academy for help instead of the KGB or FBI, for some reason.

GRAPE JUICE: Finally watched this movie for the first and most likely last time last night. It felt very bare as only five characters from the past appear (Tackleberry, Callahan, Jones, Lassard & Harris). As much as I love the OG characters who came back for this, these movies need a Mahoney as the lead and the young guy they cast as Mahoney-lite did nothing for me. I did get a kick out of the Russian police having their own version of an asshole Captain Harris, but I especially liked the actual Captain Harris’ redemption arc in the third act as I am a sucker for a good redemption story. This movie felt more like a spinoff of the PA series and starred a few known characters to help give it an early boost. Doesn’t work.

GUILTY: Mahoney-lite. He felt like a Sesame Street character.
INNOCENT: The Russian family that Lassard accidentally hangs out with for most of the movie. He has no idea who they are and they have no idea who he is but they let him hangout with them anyway.

I remember hearing a few years back that they were going to make another Police Academy movie with Steve Guttenburg returning. Now with streaming and services always looking for new IP’s for their platform, I wouldn’t be surprised if we get a Police Academy weekly TV series. But they cannot do it with just Mahoney, IMO. They can’t do it at all, to be honest as a few of the actors who played original characters have passed on (Tackleberry, Hightower, Lassard, maybe more). To make a reboot work, I would need Mahoney, Callahan, Hooks, Jones, Harris and Proctor at the very least. Add in the classic theme and I’ll give it a chance. If not, we still have the greatness of the original film series. Minus part 7.